A Tale of Three Surgeons, or: The Incredible Power of Staying Positive

Yanantín

Prelude: In late January 2014 I had a disc herniation in my low back at L5-S1. There was a series of appointments, MRI, epidural steroid injections, physical therapy, and a lot of sciatica pain and numbness for a long time. Sometime in November that year, I was finally free of that pain and back to hiking. On February 15th, 2015, it came back, but worse, with less numbness and a lot more pain than I previously believed possible. And muscle weakness in my left calf, which prevented me from walking correctly at all.

Opening: Even though I’m living on the Coastside now, I wanted to return to the neurosurgeon with whom I had consulted last summer in Solano County – I’d really liked the way he communicated with me, giving me all the information I needed to make the right decision and to understand what was best for my condition, and I know how important it is to have trust in your practitioner when something like this is on the line. Also, back then he told me that I didn’t need surgery, so I figured surely he would tell me the same if it were still true this time! But the motor weakness was the deciding factor, as I knew in my heart it would be. I met with this surgeon on Monday March 16th, and was scheduled for surgery with him in Sacramento on March 20th. That’s incredibly quick, and says something about the need for the procedure.

Sacramento is about 2.5 hours from where I’m living on the Coastside, so my mom and I stayed at a hotel the night before. We were told to report to Admissions at 5:30am to begin the odyssey.

The Real Fun Begins: I’m brought into pre-op. It’s still early; I’m only the second person brought in. It was still and quiet in there then, with a sense of a lot of activity soon to come. I change into a gown, and my nurse places an IV catheter and starts the drip as he’s asking me all the questions about medical history and making sure I’m still me.

Now, when I’m in a setting like this I turn into a performer. I am just about the most easygoing, unafraid, and hilarious patient ever. I’m joking around, being a wiseass, and I crack up almost everyone. I am exceedingly proud of my record making 3/3 doctors laugh during X-Ray epidural steroid procedures over the past year! So when they ask me what surgery I’m having I say things like: short sides and back, and a couple inches off the top. I should possibly note at this time that I’ve never had surgery before, or had general anesthesia for any reason. Only heavy IV sedation in 10th grade to have my wisdom teeth pit-mined out of my skull before they gave me trouble.

Time passes. I’m on an IV just regular drip, I’m sweating in the multilayer gown until I say something and they tell me it’s ventilated! They attach a hose to it and turn on the fan and I’m all of a sudden the Michelin man but oh so comfortable with the breezes cooling my body. I get an injection of some particular steroid I hadn’t heard of, for the surgery. I meet the nurse-anesthetist, her assistant and one other surgical nurse. But still more time passes and the room empties out as everyone else goes into their surgeries. My Dr hasn’t arrived.

All Dressed Up and Nowhere To Go: Finally, Glen pages the doctor. When the phone rings, this is what I hear Glen say on our end. “Your patient is ready….[my name]….Oakland?….she and you are on our schedule….I understand….I’ll tell them.” He doesn’t come right back to us. Instead, he draws in the whole team, plus the Head Nurse, and they huddle in conversation in the one place in the room that’s invisible to us. The Head finally comes over. We know what happened already, it was pretty easy to tell. My mom says to him, “you drew the short straw, huh?” He’s profusely apologetic – the problem is something I’ve noticed before: this particular hospital system is unusually siloed – different sites do not communicate well. The surgeon had been double booked.

So we start gradually moving towards the idea of rescheduling. I’m accepting of it. There’s no point in throwing a fit, none of these people has any fault in the situation. But for some reason, they are in no hurry to get me out of there. Everyone comes up to me at one point or another and apologizes. They are all clearly upset that this is happening, and it’s obvious that they want so much to help me. Eventually, they pull the catheter and I get dressed. They give me a Vicodin for my pain for the ride home, and a couple glasses of water (they offered juice and crackers too, but I wasn’t interested). My mom eats a Clif bar and offers me some but I decline for some reason.

But as we are all still talking – my mom is complaining, gently, with clear concern for me but no anger, just frustration shared with all of us – my nurse notices a doc sitting at one of the computer stations. We can tell he’s eavesdropping. Glen says “hey doc, you busy?”

A Ray of Hope: They talk briefly, and the doctor comes up to me and introduces himself, says “we might be able to help, may I look at your record?” Of course I say, please do. While he’s doing that the nurse tells me, this guy’s really awesome, he was the Chief Neurosurgeon here for a while, and he does the type of surgery you’re having. So maybe he can do it, and if he can that would be really good.

A little more time passes, the doc is looking at my record – I can see my MRI on the screen. He picks up the phone and I hear him say “Hi doctor, do you have a minute?” He disappears, presumably to talk with this other doc, and I’m starting to feel pretty hopeful at this point.

More time passes. Two docs return and ex-Chief introduces me to current Chief. (Who the nurse later tells me is the one that brought this procedure (hemi-laminectomy and micro discectomy) to this hospital.) He is able to and agrees to do my surgery that day, and I agree to have it done by him. But now there are no ORs available, so we wait.

And wait. I get re-gowned, another IV catheter, read two National Geographics cover to cover. I’m still clowning around every chance I get, and smiling at everyone that goes by. This is some superb people watching and I’m not one to let an opportunity like that pass! I’m backstage in an operating theater, and the full chorus of the everyday and the emergency is swirling around me as teams of nurses and doctors work with a patient wheeled in to recover with beautiful gratitude from a complicated neck surgery or to finish a work-day much differently than it started with a surprise ambulance ride and installation of some hardware to hold together what had been a perfectly good tibia prior to the forklift incident.

Dénouement: Eventually, I’m taken in for surgery at around 1pm. I think I even made a joke right before they pushed the anesthetic. Time passes, but this time I don’t notice it. Waking up is pretty easy. My throat is sore but I have no other problems. They tell me they won’t let me go until I can pee. This proves harder than anticipated, but I succeed after several tries. As I’m waiting for my bladder to remember its role in this play, I’m still clowning around, even making other patients laugh at one point as the room winds down for the day and people are discharged or moved to their rooms for the night.

I was finally discharged at about 6pm. Drive home takes 2 hours 15; in another stroke of good fortune, we’ve missed most of the evening commute traffic through the East Bay and San Francisco. The Bay Bridge was as easy as it can possibly be and we passed through the City easily.

Got home. Ate soup. Took 1 Vicodin. Bed at 9ish. Woke up at 4. No pain. Almost none. The next day I will discover that I was indeed still under the influence of some of the better pain drugs from the surgery, but this day is bliss. I feel a minor ache at the surgery site, but the terrible radiating pains to my hip and knee joints, the knotted ache in my calf, the taut-feeling tendons, all these are gone. The muscle weakness in my calf is still present, but I already knew that this would take the longest to resolve. Nerve mending is a slow process, but it’s very likely that I will be able to walk normally again.

I still have a long recovery between those nerves and the just plain weakness from nearly a month in bed, but I am so amazed and humbled by my good fortune. I know for sure that my cheerful attitude and sunny disposition made the difference in this event. If we had been condescending or angry towards anyone this would have not turned out the same. I simply let things work out – I made space for the best outcome, and it appeared. I am so blessed.

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New Year Blessing

Image

May this year bring you ever closer to your authentic self.

May you receive the blessings of the elements:
May Air surround you, and may you find your voice in the winds of change.
May Fire warm you, and may you be illumined and transformed.
May Water wash over you, and may you find your strength in fluidity.
May Earth support you, and may you find your connection to all life, present and future.

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Sit. Stay. Heal.

A friend posted a story I wrote about one of my heart-dogs, Skip, on her blog, Sit.Stay.Heal. I hope you’ll enjoy it.

http://sitstayhealblogseries.blogspot.com/2013/09/what-became-of-remington.html

’

For Skip.

Posted in Critters, Stories | 2 Comments

Touching the Heart, Feeding the Soul

 

rock in fog

I feel fed by many natural settings: the soft-floored cathedral of the coastal redwood forest, the wide open sweet-scented sage east of the Sierra, the golden dry grass sea with its oak tree islands that covers so much of our hills. But there’s something about this ocean that reaches past all those other places and cradles something small in the center of myself.

I’m a California native. I was born up north, and grew up in the Bay Area. Maybe that’s why this landscape feeds me, but maybe not. Perhaps I’m just lucky to have been born where I belong. For me there is an incredible sense of home that I feel when I visit the Pacific Ocean, up here in the northern parts, with the fog, the cold and the rough surf, the tide pools and rocky beaches. I love the sound of it, the smell, and seeing every shade of blue and gray in one place, on one day.

What scenery feeds your heart and soul? Where, of the places you go, do you feel your most authentic? When will you go there next?

 

Upcoming schedule announcements!

Equinox Despacho:
Saturday September 21 4pm – 9 pm, Ione.
A despacho is an offering we work together to create, and then burn in a fire ceremony. The intent of this despacho is to give thanks for the times of transition – this equinox is the time of harvest, the transition from life to life and summer to autumn – and also to set our intentions for balance in our own lives.

Introduction to Shamanism and the Journey workshop:
Sunday October 13 11am – 4 pm, El Granada, $75-100 sliding scale

Curious about shamanism and want to know more? This workshop is for discovering what shamanism is about, and for learning to journey. Journeying is an altered state, which can be accessed by listening to drumming or other rhythmic percussion. It gives us the ability to receive direct guidance and healing, find answers, and release limiting beliefs. No prior experience is necessary to take this workshop.

During the workshop, we’ll spend some time talking about what shamanism is, and how it fits into today’s world. Then, you’ll dive right in and learn to journey. We could talk for days, but that’s not half as much fun as experiencing it for yourself. You will first journey to meet your Power Animal, and we’ll do a second journey as well, to be determined depending on the group. Some of the questions you have now, you’ll see they answer themselves – you will know you’re not making it up, and you will be able to practice on your own afterwards, should you choose to.

This workshop is co-taught by Moria, a shamanic practitioner and teacher who does healing work on the etheric / spiritual levels, and Claudia, an energy healer / body worker and flower essence practitioner. Their complementary perspectives show two of the many ways shamanic practice can inform and express in a modern world.

Bring a bag lunch, notebook, eye pillow or bandanna and a rattle if you have one. Email compostmentis (at) volcano (dot) net or call Moria at 209-489-3271 to sign up and receive location information.

About Moria: I believe that everything has Spirit, and we are all connected. I love this Earth that we live on, and I am committed to minding and mending the webs – both physical and energetic – that connect and feed us all. I believe it is important for each of us to live our whole, authentic self in balanced relationship with the energies of our worlds. I follow this path with an open heart, and the path follows me as well.

About Claudia: I believe that as we move toward living in reciprocity with the natural world, our channels of awareness start opening. We start to reconnect with inner sight, inner knowing and start to listen with our hearts. We become aware that everything is alive, the trees, the rocks, the wind. When this happens our world expands, we move into responding to life from our Divinity and connection rather than separation. When we practice this way of being, we enter the flow of life and stop swimming against the tide.

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Heart and Hands

heart in hands

During a ceremony I participated in with Peruvian curandero de sonido (sound healer) Tito LaRosa, he said to us, “el corazón no es in el pecho, es in las manos.” The heart is not in the chest, it’s in the hands. This statement really resonated with me, and I’ve been reminded of it a few times in recent weeks.

One immediate meaning I draw from it is along the lines of ‘actions speak louder than words’. What you feel, what you think, what you say are all important; but what do you do? What do you actually put physical effort to? It’s more than that, though. The energy we put forth into the world is of vital importance, and it does not necessarily come through the hands although it certainly can.

Touch is important. A lot of feeling, emotion, and energy can be conveyed through touch. Imagine the healing touch of a massage therapist or energy healer for the troubles of the body. Imagine the trusting touch of a cat in the lap or the dog’s head on your knee. Imagine the comforting touch of a close friend or parent during times of personal stress. Imagine the fiery touch of a lover.

For me, I’ve worked in a lot of different fields. Right now, I mostly write. Hands on the keyboard for most of the day, and occasionally out on the production floor working with equipment. I do have the amazing privilege of doing some hands-on energy healing, which feeds my heart and my connection to Spirit as well as helping the people who are under my hands. But in a previous job I used to rebuild and repair heavy diesel engines; I found that work to be deeply satisfying to my hands, although a bit bruising at times. There’s something indescribably honest about that kind of work – building, making, crafting – because once it’s there, it’s there in all of its glorious tangible solidity.

My friend recently referred to this as “handed work” and she’s placing the same kind of importance on it as I do. When we make something physical: when we paint or sculpt, make furniture or throw pottery, restore classic cars or build model railroads, garden or pick wild blackberries and make jam, we are working from our hearts. We give of ourselves to this work, and it gives back to us in kind. That’s what it really means to me, and I think it’s worth remembering: el corazón no es in el pecho, es in las manos.

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New Moon – Time for Releasing

Tuolomne Meadows, Yosemite, CA. June 27 2013

It’s a nice open space there, isn’t it? I took that picture on the drive over Tioga Pass, headed out to Mono Lake and the wide sweet-scented spaciousness of the eastern Sierra.

My last post was about gratitude for what I have. Now I want to talk about letting go, making space in our homes and our hearts for the new. It is as important to release the things that no longer serve as it is to recognize the things we are grateful to have, and the New Moon is a good time to do this. (Of course, “now” is a good time to do it!)

Tangibly and intangibly, the “stuff” we’ve accumulated over time clutters up our spaces. Old telephone bills take up space in the filing cabinet, old clothes take up space in the dresser and closet, and old ways of thinking or being take up emotional space and can make it difficult to move forward.

I spent a couple of days last week decluttering my home and garage. It feels good to get rid of boxes of old papers, clothes that no longer fit, things I’ve been saving for years because they might come in handy someday. My trash can and recycle bin are full for this week’s pickup and I have a trailer-load staged for a dump run later this week. I can pat myself on the back for this work. It’s never truly done for a pack rat like me, but I made a good dent in it last week.

This full moon I am also using a simple technique to help me clear some emotional clutter: out on a walk, I pick up a small stone. As I walk, I visualize old energies, residues of my history, bits of old baggage, and place them into the stone. When the time is right, I throw the stone away. Just let it go. (Credit: I got this technique from my amazing mentor, Meg Beeler.)

This technique is best for things that have been resolved in another way first; the major work has been done, and all that was left is to clear out the dust after it settled, air out the house as it were.

I invite you to take the time to perform your own ritual of release. If the one I describe doesn’t resonate for you, use another that does. Whatever it is you’re releasing: write it on paper and burn it in a fire; wash your hands of it, literally and metaphorically send it away down the drain. Do what feels right, but let it go.

Compost Mentis is pleased to announce the next event on our schedule:

Shamanism and the Journey – Intro
San Francisco – Sunday August 11, 11-4 $75-100 sliding scale

Curious about shamanism and want to know more? Spend a day learning what shamanism is about, and learn to journey for yourself!

We’ll spend some time talking about what shamanism is, and how it fits into today’s world. Then, you’ll get to experience it for yourself. I could talk for days, but that’s not half as much fun as letting the experience speak.

Journeying is an altered state, accessed by listening to drumming or other rhythmic percussion. It gives us the ability to receive direct guidance and healing, find answers, and release limiting beliefs.

During the day we will do two journeys: you will journey to find a Power Animal and the other will be to answer a personal question. Some of the questions you have now, you’ll see they answer themselves – you will know you’re not making it up, and you will be able to practice on your own afterwards, should you choose to.

Bring your questions, a bag lunch, notebook, eye pillow or bandanna, and a rattle if you have one.

This workshop is co-taught by Moria, a shamanic practitioner and teacher who does healing work on the etheric / spiritual levels, and Claudia, an energy healer / body worker and flower essence practitioner. Their complementary perspectives show two of the many ways shamanic practice can inform and express in a modern world.

For more information and to RSVP, email compostmentis@volcano.net

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Solstice 2013 – Prosperity

what a gift!

Summer Solstice is approaching, on June 20th this year, and I’m reflecting on gratitude and prosperity. Whenever the sun-feasts come around, I find it to be a time of reflection for me. In Autumn, I find I’m starting to turn within, I reflect my gratitude for the bounty of gifts the summer has brought, and start preparing for the next phase of my own internal journey through this life. In Winter, I’m reflecting the life I want to create for myself, the seeds I’m planting in the cold dark ground for next year’s harvest. In Spring, I am giving thanks for the return of the growing season, and reflecting the sun and rising green out into my garden and world.

But Summer! How exciting! This Summer Solstice I am giving thanks. I reflect my gratitude for all the gifts I’ve been given, and the wonderful journey I’ve had so far. My spiritual family is flourishing, the garden is a riot, and my pantry and freezer are filling with the earth’s bounty.

The flood of backyard produce has started; friends and neighbors have enough to share and more. This past week two coworkers have been nearly as grateful to give away as I have been to receive: 10 pounds of peaches and 15 pounds of apricots. So I got out the canning pot.

The peaches were cling-stone, which are a lot harder to process if you want halves or slices, and most of them were so ripe that the obvious answer was to make syrup. The end result was some hybrid of syrup and sauce, because I didn’t want to juice and strain (to make clear syrup) and make even more mess, so I simply skinned them and removed the pits. Added sugar, some coriander and cinnamon, a bit of lemon zest, and boiled that until it got to 220 degrees (F). The result is sweet and subtle, and surpassed my expectations, especially mixed with sparkling water as an Italian Soda type drink.

A few peaches were firm enough that I decided to have a go at canning them whole. The syrup turned a lovely rose color. Not sure how these will taste but they sure look good!

whole peaches in extra light syrup

I canned the apricots as halves in extra light syrup. I always find grocery store canned fruit too sweet, even if it’s done in fruit juice, so I really appreciate having a pressure-canner and being free to not-sweeten things as much. Extra-light syrup is 1 ¼ cup sugar in 5 ½ cups water, and the resultant canned apricots are about the same sweetness as they would be eaten fresh.

in the pot!

This is true prosperity. I have enough. We have enough! My coworkers have enough fruit that they can give it freely. I have enough that I can put some by for the future, and have enough to give that freely to my friends as well. This kind of work, even doing it when it’s 110 degrees outside, is deeply satisfying, and settles the instinctive self firmly in the present. Preparing and sharing food is one of the things we as beings have been doing the longest.

Thank you, coworkers! Thank you, apricot and peach trees, the earth that grows them and the sun that shines on them, and the bees that visit them.

apricot syrup

May the summer sun light your days, and fuel your dreams. May you find that prosperity is present for you here and now, in the ways that truly matter.

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